The "Problem"
Picture this: you just got promoted to lead the team you've been a part of for a long time. You worked really hard, put in the effort and the time, built your skills, and competed fairly for the position. People more senior than you recognized this and rewarded you for it.
Congratulations! Great work! Take the time to celebrate your victory. You earned it.
Only now everyone seems to hate you, throw dirt at you, and disrespect you, even though you treat them all with respect.
The Real Problem
Most promoted managers think "I need to win them over and earn their respect". But here's what's actually happening:
- Your former peers are upset and grieving the promotion THEY didn't get
- They're not mad at YOU - they're mad at their place in the SITUATION
- Trying to "win them over" actually makes you look desperate and validates their behaviour towards you, which makes things worse
Why This Happens
The root cause isn't what you think. It's not because you did something wrong. Actually it's because:
- When you got promoted instead of them, you became a symbol of their failure - you now represent what they hate about themselves and their situation
- They're not being rational and are in the "anger" stage of the grieving process
- The disrespect or sabotage they might be doing is not about you, it's about their ego taking a hit
Think about it from a psychological perspective, and put yourself in a kid's shoes. If you were five and an adult gave someone else a toy you REALLY wanted, how would you react?
You'd hate them. They're the worst person in the world and there's nobody worse. They're awful. Terrible. You'd be a storm of emotions inside and out. You'd pout, maybe stomp your feet, run away. Better yet, you'd act out and maybe slam or break something else to get attention.
The principle here is the same. People grow up, and (in most cases) get their emotions under control way better than a five year old, but they're still human. People will still feel the jealousy, the resentment, the hit to the ego of someone else getting something they desperately want. And in some cases they'll take that out on you.
You're dealing with a bigger five year old.
What To Do Instead
Option 1: Stop trying to win them over
Here's the bare truth: you can't make someone like you if you took something they wanted. Period.
And that's OK. Your job isn't to be liked, it's to be fair and consistent despite what others feel.
Option 2: Address it directly
If someone is being ridiculous or egregious in their behaviour against you, pull them aside in private. Tell them you know they wanted the role, that you get it, but you have jobs to do. Ask them directly if there's a way to make it work, or if you'll need to escalate things higher to figure it out.
Option 3: Find your real team
Chances are it's just a small group of people who feel this way. Maybe it's other people who were at your previous rank with you. But they might represent some percentage of the team, not the whole thing. Focus on the majority that are either neutral or supportive.
What Most People Get Wrong
- They try to make friends with people who are undermining them - don't do this, it makes you look weak and desperate
- They overcompensate by being overly nice - same as the above, plus people start to treat you with contempt
- They take it personally - it's not about you as a person, it's about them and the situation
The Bottom Line
You got the promotion for a reason. People believe in your ability to execute and do the job. Stop apologizing for it or worrying about how others react to the news. Be fair, be consistent, document bad behaviour, and let them either get on board or take themselves out of the team.
Real Talk
This will not be resolved overnight. In some cases, it will never get resolved. There are plenty of situations where people just stay in a position and hate it until eternity. You can't control that, nor should you. In the workplace, as adults, everyone has a personal responsibility to keep themselves and their behaviour in check.
In the best case, this fizzles out in a couple of months and everything settles into a new normal. In the worst case, one or two people stick around forever (or at least until you or they leave the position) and live out their resentment to you on a daily basis. In reality, it's mostly somewhere in between. People can grow to accept a situation, but they might be constantly sniping at you and taking every opportunity to play up the slightest slip you make.
That's what you might have to deal with. That's the reality of being a leader.