The "Problem"
You're facing a hard decision with an underperforming employee. You've done everything you can - you've coached them, provided resources, guided them, even problem-solved specific issues with them. And yet, nothing works. They repeat the same patterns over and over again, even when given specific instructions and possibly even facing some disciplinary action already.
Now, it's time to fire them. You've exhausted every tool in your toolkit and the best thing is for them and you to part ways. But you don't want to be the archetypal cold-hearted manager. No, you want to be different, and do it in a respectful way that keeps their dignity intact. Maybe you even want a script that you can follow to make it quick and painless for everyone.
The Real Problem
There is no respectful way to fire someone at this stage, and you are trying to shield yourself more than them. In fact, the things you have been doing to avoid firing them have been disrespectful to both of you. You have created a false sense of hope (likely for both of you) and have wasted valuable time that could have been spent finding and onboarding someone more capable.
And now you're looking for a solution that will make the end result more comfortable for you. Why? Because it's a hard thing to do. Firing someone is not easy, even if they have it coming, because they're human. Something inside you empathizes and feels bad for them. At the same time, you want to be seen as the model leader who does all the right things.
In fact, the right thing (and the respectful thing) is to not waste time and not sugar-coat. You give people a few chances to get back on their feet, and then cut both of your losses and move on. Avoiding this is the real problem.
Why This Happens
Here's the reality: there is no respectful way to fire someone, especially when they're underperforming. Why?
- The "respectful" part already happened. The time and energy you spent coaching someone who fundamentally cannot do the job? That was supposed to be the respectful part - but it was actually disrespectful. Every improvement plan was a signal that the person was broken and you were there to fix them. It gave them false hope.
- Scripts are about YOUR comfort, not theirs. If you tell them coldly that it's a final decision and to talk to HR, you're avoiding the humanity of the moment. This person is being given news that is likely devastating. They are questioning their self-worth, worrying about the future, and likely are in shock and disbelief. You want a quick and clean solution - that's removing a problem, not ending a relationship. You want respect without the discomfort of actually respecting them.
- Real respect would have been firing them earlier. You knew coaching wasn't working a long time ago. You had a feeling, likely even before you documented the issues and sat down with them to work through solutions. You didn't trust your instincts and your observations, and instead wasted both of your time with nearly endless effort to improve something that wouldn't change.
What To Do Instead
Recognize there is no "respectful" way to fire someone now. It's been a long time, they (and you) have poured effort into righting the ship, and it hasn't. You chose the path of endless coaching and guidance over making the decision in the exact moment it was clear that it would be an issue.
Here's what you do:
- Own it - be direct, clear, and concise in what exactly is happening
- Tell the truth - do not sugar-coat things, soften criticism, or hold back on why precisely they are being fired
- Don't hide behind scripts - hiding behind a script is giving yourself a psychological shield to deflect the pain and discomfort you should be feeling to learn from the situation
What Most People Get Wrong
Most managers think the "respectful firing" comes from having the perfect script. The right words that will somehow make this devastating news easier to deliver and receive. So they memorize their lines, practice in the mirror, and then completely fall apart when the person starts crying or gets angry. The mistake isn't the lack of a good script. It's believing a script will protect either of you from the reality of what's happening. You can't rehearse your way out of the human side of firing someone. Avoid that. Instead:
- Don't avoid the discomfort - if you're not feeling pain or difficulty, you're doing it wrong
- Don't deflect to HR - "Talk to HR" is another way of saying you don't want to face them as a human being
- Don't rush it - the quick end is more about your relief than their dignity
There's no technique that makes this easy. The end goal is not comfort, it's honesty.
The Bottom Line
The key is to go into the situation with confidence and learn for next time. In the future, don't wait until all of your options are exhausted to fire someone - cut your losses and move on when there is a clear indication things are not going to get better. Remember: being respectful means being honest with yourself and with the other person.