The Problem
You're a new or first-time manager leading a team in a high-pressure environment. It seems like no matter what you do, you struggle with creating psychological safety and retaining good staff. You've tried being more strict, more lenient, friendlier - but nothing works.
Despite your best efforts and attempt at different tactics, people are still quitting. It doesn't matter if you check every single task or are fully hands-off, or whether you're a taskmaster or friend. The same result happens, and you wonder how your personality can change to improve the situation.
The Real Problem
Most managers think management is a set of character traits that you can dial up or down, and finding the right combination will make you a better leader. Most first-time managers think the solution is being "nicer". If people quit because you were too strict, be more lenient. If they felt micromanaged, give them freedom. If the vibe was too serious, crack more jokes. Make them like you, and they'll stay and perform well at their jobs.
In other words, first-time managers don't recognize that leadership is a set of skills.
Here's what's actually happening: your team doesn't need a friend. They need a leader who can hold high standards and be highly supportive at the same time. Swinging between extremes doesn't solve the underlying problem, it just creates inconsistency and confusion.
If people continue to leave whether you're strict, friendly, or any other attitude, the common thread isn't your personality, it's that you haven't set realistic expectations or created the conditions for people to succeed. This is especially true in high-pressure environments where higher turnover is a fact of life.
Why This Happens
First-time managers often make a predictable mistake: they treat management as a dial that goes from "mean boss" to "cool boss", and try to find the sweet spot. But that's not how high-performing teams work, and is a recipe for disaster.
There's a common myth of "manager as a friend". Being friendly, joking around, and doing activities together in your personal life does not create loyalty. What creates loyalty is feeling set up to succeed. When workload is crushing and expectations are unclear, a friendly vibe doesn't fix the problem, it just makes people feel guilty about leaving (and they'll leave anyway).
There's also an "overcorrection trap". When a new manager realizes they're being too strict, they swing hard in the other direction, becoming more lenient, more trusting, more hands-off. But the real issue wasn't how strict they were, it was unclear expectations, unrealistic goals, and lack of calibration. Changing the vibe does not fix underlying structural problems.
There's also an unspoken reality of high-pressure work environments. Some environments, like audit, consulting, startups, high-growth teams, have higher turnover by default. That's OK. It's not a personal failure. As a manager, you have to acknowledge it explicitly. Tell people this role is intense, make it clear what they're signing up for and how they'll be supported, and tell them what happens when it becomes unsustainable.
What To Do Instead
Step 1: Stop overcorrecting
Find the third option. The problem isn't strictness OR leniency, it's lack of clarity. High-performing teams need:
- High standards and clear expectations about quality, responsiveness, accountability
- High support including resources, coaching, realistic timelines, and psychological safety
You don't choose between being demanding and supportive, you do both. That's leadership.
Step 2: Calibrate expectations before, not after
In your planning meetings where you assign work, make sure you reality-check timelines based on peoples' current workload. Ask if it's doable, and if not, what needs to move. In some workplaces, long hours are a fact of life, so accept that and recognize it's going to happen whether you want it or not.
Then wait for an actual answer. This is critical. Don't accept "yeah I can handle it" - push on this and ask staff to articulate where that task fits in their day or week. If they can't clearly tell you, the timeline might not be realistic. You need to openly and vocally recognize that and deal with it. Asking isn't enough, you have to create the conditions where saying "this isn't realistic" is rewarded rather than punished.
Step 3: Teach people how to push back
Most junior employees don't know how to say no. They think their job is to absorb whatever workload you give them. You have to explicitly teach them the opposite. Tell them that you expect communication when workload is unsustainable. Explain to them exactly how to communicate this - it's OK to say "I want to do this well, but with X, Y, and Z on my plate I can't hit this deadline without compromising quality" - then you can work together to prioritize or extend timelines as needed. That's the conversation you need to have.
Then, when someone does it, reinforce the behaviour. Say thank you for flagging it and work with them to resolve the issue. Show them that honesty is rewarded.
Step 4: Acknowledge when the environment is the problem
Some workplaces are high pressure by nature. If you're in consulting, audit, a startup, investment banking, etc., turnover will always be higher than average. That's not your fault, but pretending it's not happening or trying to compensate with surface-level vibes does not help.
Be direct - tell your team that the role has seasons of intensity (or is always intense), but you'll do everything you can to make it sustainable. Be honest that it's not a low-stress job, and tell them that you'd rather know right away if that's not what they're looking for, so you can figure out next steps together.
People respect honestly, they don't respect false promises wrapped in a smile.
What Most People Get Wrong
- They swing between extremes - instead, find the middle with clear expectations and strong support
- They try to solve structural problems with superficial solutions - your team needs you to advocate upward, not joke around or smile harder
- They assume people will be honest when expectations are unrealistic - you have to teach them how to push back and reward them when they do
Calibrate the workload up front, create psychological safety through actions, and be honest about what the job actually requires so people know what they're in for.
The Bottom Line
If staff on your team keep leaving, the answer isn't to become their friend. It's to become a better leader - someone who sets clear expectations, calibrates realistic workloads, teaches people how to push back, and advocates when external pressure is unsustainable.
High-performing teams don't need you to be nice. They need you to be clear, consistent, and honest. Stop swinging between extremes. Start building the conditions where people can succeed - that's what keeps people on your team, not jokes or being liked. It's being set up to win.