The Problem
Picture this: you have a key employee who is often absent, disengaged, or making questionable choices that affect their work. You've tried giving them personal advice, suggesting solutions, and leaving them to their own devices, but nothing changes. Because of this, you're frustrated and are nearing the point of thinking about whether they should be in your company or not, if they can't fix this personal issue.
The Real Problem
Most managers fall into this trap at one time or another. You focus on their personal life and the clearly wrong choices they are making, which is both outside your control and potentially a legal minefield in every sense of the word. In reality, the actual business issue is not their personal life, but the impact of their behaviours (absenteeism, low energy, missed meetings, client issues, etc.) on team performance and business outcomes.
The situation is often made worse by a lack of clarity - in expectations, in policies, and in interpretation of written or unwritten rules. Whenever something is unclear or fuzzy, it's nearly impossible to approach a solution from a place of mutual understanding, because there isn't one.
Why This Happens
Especially in small teams, leaders often develop close relationships with staff and can naturally slip into a "caring" or "parental" role, especially when an employee is struggling. It feels more empathetic to focus on the reason for the underperformance (personal issues) rather than the result of it (missed deadlines, client dissatisfaction).
This role avoids the discomfort of a direct performance conversation but inevitably leads to confusion, resentment, and even more business disruption because the root cause of it is left unaddressed.
What To Do Instead
When dealing with people, it's difficult to tread the line between being professional and being human. However, especially if there are significant and meaningful business impacts arising from the situation, you have to deal with it head on to prevent any bigger issues.
Step 1: Document the business impact.
Before you say anything, gather specific, objective facts. This will actually help you figure out whether there is a measurable and direct problem in the first place, or if it's just perception. If there is one, and you end up confronting the employee, you have an objective basis for your perspective.
This way, you avoid saying subjective perceptions ("you're always absent") and focus on clear and measurable facts ("in the last quarter, you missed two client calls and four internal planning meetings - the impact was that project X was delayed and the team was unsupported").
Step 2: Frame the conversation around your support and their responsibilities
Start by acknowledging their situation with empathy, but immediately pivot to the professional expectations of their role. The purpose of a business relationship is to establish mutual responsibilities that advance the business' interests. While you need to be understanding and humane and recognize uncontrollable circumstances where they exist, personal choices affecting work performance are entirely within their control and are a legitimate reason to consider corrective measures.
Remind the person you want to be supportive of the challenges they're facing. At the same time, identify the specific and observable challenges (consistency, attendance, engagement, etc.) that have become a significant issue for the team's workflow and client commitments, indicating the need for a solution.
Step 3: Clarify it is THEIR responsibility to resolve issues
Put the ball in their court to solve their side of the problem. Yes, it's an issue for both of you, but only one side has control over the situation and that side should be responsible for taking action.
Ask them directly what actions they can take to ensure the core responsibilities of their role are consistently met. This empowers them while reinforcing accountability and their responsibilities.
Step 4: Use this as a catalyst to create clear policies (if they don't exist)
In this situation, you may or may not have policies in place. If not, recognize this has revealed a weakness in your company's structure. You need to establish and communicate clear, written policies for the entire company. This makes expectations explicit and ensures you're treating all employees fairly and by the same set of rules.
What Most People Get Wrong
- They become an "armchair doctor", giving unsolicited medical or personal advice, questioning employee lifestyle choices, or telling them who to go see. This is inappropriate, ineffective, and creates legal risk.
- They avoid conflict, ignoring the problem until it becomes so bad that the only option left is termination. This builds resentment and damages morale across the team.
The Bottom Line
DO NOT try to solve your employees' personal problems. Your job as a leader is to define clear expectations, communicate professionally when they aren't being met, and uphold fair policies for everyone. By focusing on professional impact and accountability, you can be a supportive leader.